Keep Pretending
by Pegasus86
Summary: S5. Carol's been carrying a huge weight on her shoulders since the events of The Grove, and it's changed her into someone she doesn't recognise. But everyone has their breaking point.


_**A/N: Okay so I've been sitting on this a few weeks and am probably gonna regret posting it in another few weeks when I have zero to post but god oh god do I need to vent after the day from hell *steam shoots out of ears* It's heavy a la angst so tread ye carefully all who enter here. Big thank you as ever to my beta-babe, kaoscraze82 - Em you are a gorgeous fabulous bit of stuff.**_

 _ **S5 Carol gives me a headache because every time you think you have her figured out, she goes and does the exact opposite. Hold that thought whilst reading lol.**_

 _ **A wee pre-warm up for the round robin *thunder and lightning***_

 _ **Disclaimer: TWD and its characters are property of Kirkman and his cronies. Nuttin to do with me.**_

* * *

She had been careful not to make a sound as she left her bedroom, managing to avoid the creaky floorboard on the stairs, and finally succeeding in a silent exit from the house. It would be easier to leave while everyone was asleep, and not have to deal with answering questions she just couldn't face answering. Carol closed the porch door and stepped lightly out into the night. Apart from the faint chirp of crickets, the world was quiet. She inhaled the sweet night air and paused for a minute, lifting her eyes to the stars, giving herself one last chance to chicken out before finally descending the stairs and heading for the wall.

Somewhere along the road, between what happened with the girls and blowing up Terminus, something had shifted inside her, something pivotal. She didn't feel things the same way anymore, and what little she could feel simply hurt too much to deal with. It was so much easier to just put it in a box and bury it. Living among people who meant so much to her only made it harder; every day she had to be stronger, put on a better performance than she had the day before, and she was tired. Tired of being the mother hen, tired of being the one everybody turned to for reassurance, when every day was a struggle just to look at her reflection in the mirror.

All the pain and grief she'd bottled up time after time had filled her up until there was no room for her to feel anything else. She was drifting, pulling further away from everyone, surprising herself with how easy it was to be so cold, and it scared her. Threatening Sam with not even a twinge of guilt at the time had come to her so effortlessly, and the thought now made her shudder. She used to wonder how people could lose the ability to love or care, how they could become cruel and unfeeling through time. The answer loomed terrifyingly close, and the fallout from it unnerved her more than the shambling bodies on the other side of the wall. This world changed people, whether they wanted it to or not, and for some there was no going back. Shane, Randall and his men, The Governor, Rick… and her. Carol thought about them as she walked, running their names through her head as she trudged towards the barrier between this world and the real world. They wouldn't recognise her now. She didn't recognise herself.

Carol reached the wall, only barely visible now under the last light of the moon. She listened for the undead shuffling on the other side, but it was quiet. Her hand lingered on the wall, and she wondered for the millionth time if she could bring herself to actually go through with it, to leave her family behind. She would never hear Judith's first word or see her take her first steps. Nor would she ever giggle at the look Carl would get in his eye when he was up to no good. A pang of sadness tugged at her heart to think that she would never… _No_. She shook it off before she could talk herself out of it and explored the wall with her boot for a foothold.

She dropped down and landed in the damp foliage, freezing in her spot to listen for any sounds of movement around her. Deeming it safe, she straightened herself up and headed for the trees.

The light from the moon was fading as it sank in the sky. She had a flashlight but she was reluctant to use it unless she absolutely had to. The waning moonlight would suffice. Her eyes were adjusting to the darkness now as she picked her way between the trees. The night was so still. She tread as carefully as she could in the dark, trying to avoid tripping over any roots.

So this was it. After everything, she was alone again. The stillness of the trees around her and the darkness only hammered it home more undeniably. They would notice she was gone eventually, and come looking for her, but by then it would be too late, and she would be long gone. It was better this way.

A faint rustle behind her had her instinctively reaching for her knife and swivelling around, and coming face to face with the one person it would hurt most to leave behind.

"Daryl!" She gasped defensively, annoyed that she had been discovered, and by him of all people. "What are you doing out here?"

"Could ask you the same thing," he answered softly, the tone of his voice making it clear that he didn't need an answer.

The intensity of his stare compelled Carol to look at her feet, looking for refuge from the hurt brewing in his eyes that made her feel like she'd just kicked a puppy. She could bullshit herself all she wanted; that was easy enough. But she could never do it to Daryl. They had been through too much and become too close. Sometimes she was convinced he could tell what she was thinking just by looking into her eyes for a second. Even more so now, because the look of betrayal on his face made her cheeks burn. She was an idiot for thinking she could treat him so naively. After all, in her own words, he was a man now, and not that scared little boy, lost and wandering in the world.

"You should go back."

"I ain't goin' nowhere."

She fiddled with the zip on her jacket, still avoiding his probing gaze. "I can't stay."

"What happened to tryin'? Huh? You just gonna up an' leave without even sayin' goodbye?"

The sadness in his voice was like a knife twisting in her gut. Carol reluctantly lifted her head to look at him, knowing that whatever expression she found on his face it wouldn't give her any joy to behold. She was right. The fading light of the moon bathed him in a ghostly dull glow, highlighting his face just enough that she could see the disappointment etched into his features. Carol felt the guilt weighing down on her shoulders instantly. She looked away quickly, like she'd just burnt herself, her focus resuming at her feet.

"I'm tired, Daryl," she sighed despondently. "I thought I could do this but I can't. I'm not who I used to be."

"Ain't none of us who we used to be."

The silence that fell between them was deafening, broken only by Daryl's faint breaths and her own heart hammering in her ears. She gripped her rifle strap and tried to blink away the first intrusive sting of melancholy behind her eyes.

"You are. I know I said you were different, but you're still the same decent man you always were. You didn't let this world change you inside."

"Neither did you."

"I've done things-"

"So?" He interrupted her. "Show me one of us that hasn't done somethin'."

How could he be so blasé about all of this? He didn't have the faintest idea of the horrors she'd had to endure, the things she'd had to do. How could he just brush it off like it was nothing? Like it didn't matter how terrible the things were she'd done, like he would still look at her and see the woman she had been back at the prison, before it all went to shit. He hadn't even asked her about any of it.

"You always say it's okay that I don't wanna talk. You never push me. Why?"

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, rustling the dead leaves underneath them. "Said you didn't wanna talk about it."

"And that's okay with you?"

"Gotta be." He nodded.

His answer was simple and to the point, just like him. Why was everything so goddamn cut and dried with him? Nothing seemed complicated, everything was just how it was and he accepted it without question. It made her blood simmer beneath her skin.

"I push you. I push you all the time to feel things and speak out, but you never push back." She took a step forward, her heart thrumming hard with adrenaline. "Why don't you ever push me back?"

He just stood there, his eyes never wavering from hers, and it fuelled a surge of anger from her toes that propelled her forward into his chest. She shoved him roughly, launching him backwards a few steps, waiting for the look of shock and hurt on his face. It never came, and it just made her angrier.

"Push. Back." She growled, lunging at him again, her eyes stinging. "Push back!"

"No."

Her temper was raging now, burning a hole in her stomach and chest as he just stood there, taking every undeserved push she directed at him. Daryl. Sweet Daryl who had trudged the woods day and night to find her little girl. Daryl who had given her hope when all she felt was despair. Daryl who had saved her life more times than she could remember. Stupid, dependable, loyal Daryl who would die before he let anything happen to her, before he would let her leave. Angry tears were scorching freely down her cheeks now, blurring her field of vision to the point she could barely see him in front of her anymore.

"PUSH BACK!"

The exasperated scream the words ripped from her throat as she started to pound him with her fists was loud enough that it ricocheted off the trees around them, no doubt reaching the ears of the undead in the distance. She couldn't hold herself up anymore. Her head was spinning as the first devastating wave came crashing over her. Daryl was there to pull her hard against his chest as the floodgates opened and her knees gave way to heart rending sobs that had been rooted so deeply, she felt like they were ripping her apart as they left her.

"I gotcha," he breathed against her hair.

The force of the grief crushed her chest so tightly she feared she might never draw breath again. It was an agony unlike any other, a culmination of every shit thing that had ever happened, and she was powerless to control it.

"Oh God Daryl!" she howled, clinging to him, her body convulsing with every ugly sob.

His arms steadied her, and she allowed herself to just feel it, _all_ of it. She buried her face in the hollow of his neck, and right now it felt like the safest place in the world to hide. She didn't have to face anything, she could simply close her eyes and breathe him in. His strength and warmth comforted her.

She wondered how long his hand had been nestled in her hair before she noticed, his fingers flexing soothingly over her scalp. This was probably the closest she'd ever been to him; it was definitely the longest he'd ever held her, and he showed no signs of releasing her just yet. She would cherish every second.

After what felt like hours, Carol felt her body begin to settle again, the occasional reflexive hiccup jolting through her. A faint breeze whispered through the leaves on the trees around them. The storm seemed to calm for the moment, allowing her to breathe.

"I'm sorry," she squeaked, sniffing against the congestion her tears had caused.

"Ain't gotta be sorry for nothin'," he murmured against her.

"I do. You don't know-"

"So tell me."

"Daryl I-"

"Hey, it's me," he whispered, nuzzling her closer into his neck. "Been lookin' out for ya all this time… makes ya think I'm gonna quit now?"

The sincerity in his voice was enough to bring a fresh wave of salty warmth to her eyes, and for the first time she felt like it might be safe to divulge the tragedy that lurked in the cold pit of her heart. Her face was still buried into that safe place in the crook of his neck, where nothing could touch her, and it gave her the strength to open the door.

"The girls… Tyreese and I, we didn't know what else t-to do… we couldn't just leave her…"

"What happened?"

She swallowed gushes of salty water trickling down the back of her throat, almost choking on the words as they rose in her throat like vomit, words attached to memories so black no amount of light would ever wash them away. Carol lifted her face a little, only enough that he could hear the words that she'd sworn to herself she would never say out loud.

"Lizzie," she croaked. "I killed Lizzie."

* * *

"After I found Tyreese and the girls, we discovered this little pecan grove."

Daryl sat next to her at the base of the tree, his forearms balancing on his knees. His eyes were on autofocus, zoning in and out of reality as he tried to process what she'd just told him. It didn't feel real.

He'd known about Karen and David, what she'd had to do back at the prison. She did it for the group, trying to stop more people getting sick. He'd probably have done the same thing. Carol was strong, she always had been, and she'd gotten stronger as the months bled into years – she didn't have to think twice about killing the living if it protected her family. But this… This was a little kid, and he couldn't stop his stomach twisting itself into knots at the thought of her ever hurting a child. She'd been the one who taught them how to live in this world and take care of themselves. For fuck's sake, she'd read bedtime stories to most of them.

But sitting next to her, he could feel how broken she was. It radiated from her, in the tremor within her voice. He could hear the trepidation in her words as she spoke them, like she was scared of how he would react, and all at once he felt like a complete jackass. He'd failed to save Beth, and been feeling sorry for himself ever since, like he was the only one that had lost anything. With Carol this was only the tip of the iceberg. It had been so much worse for her.

"We thought it was secure enough once we cleared it. Turns out we were safer on the other side of the fence with the walkers."

"Why?" Daryl asked hesitantly.

Carol turned to look at him woefully. "She was sick... Lizzie. She was confused… about the walkers. She couldn't understand that they were dangerous. She thought they were like us, just different. She wanted to show us."

"Show ya what?"

"She killed her sister."

The words hit him like an anvil in the gut, and the look on her face as she recalled it made him want to hurl. It was unbelievable. He could see the horror replaying itself in her eyes, and he could see that it still caused her as much agony now as the day it had happened. It pained him to see the torment raging behind her eyes. She looked so far away, like a part of her had never left that grove.

"Tyreese and I… we went to get some water and when we came back…" Carol swiped at her cheeks with her sleeve. "Mika was laying on the ground. She'd gutted her like a fish and looked up at me like an excited puppy _. 'I didn't hurt her brain.'_ That's what she said. She wanted her to turn. Her own sister, Judith too if we'd been even a second later. That's when I knew…"

He knew what came next, and he wished to God he could just wipe it all from her memory, that he had been there to do it so she didn't have to. He knew she felt the weight of what she'd done, and that she'd been carrying it with her ever since, every day becoming heavier and more unbearable. Silvery streaks cut down her face beneath the glow of the moon, her face contorting as she battled to stay in control. Even now she was trying to be strong, and he wondered how the hell she'd kept it up this long.

Daryl could feel her trembling beside him, the vibrations travelling through her leg and into his own. He placed his hand on her leg in reassurance, hoping the feeble gesture would give her the strength to go on, make her see that it would all be okay somehow.

"Hey, it's okay."

Her head spun around, her face screwed up in incredulity. "No, it's not okay! How can you think any of this is okay?"

"Y'did what ya had to-"

"Don't, just don't!" She hissed, hauling herself to her feet. "You can't justify this."

"You didn't have a choice," Daryl argued, pulling himself up after her. "Could ya have lived with yourself if ya left her out there alone? Or if she killed someone else?"

"I had a choice! I could've gone off with her on my own, but I didn't. I just put a bullet in her head because it was the easiest thing to do."

"That's bullshit," Daryl replied, shaking his head. "It was the _only_ thing to do. She could've killed any one of us. Judith, Carl… Why you bein' like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like you're some kinda monster." Daryl barked indignantly, anger rising in his chest at hearing her talk this way. "This ain't you!"

"That's exactly what I am!" Carol growled, picking up her rifle and slinging the strap over her head. "And that's why I have to go."

Daryl grabbed her wrist as she spun away from him. "You ain't goin' nowhere 'cept home."

"Home?" She snorted. "So it's home now is it?"

"S'the closest thing we got," Daryl affirmed, holding her in a determined gaze.

Carol stared back at him, a flicker of desolation in her eyes that quickly gave way to her anger again. She wrenched her wrist free from his grip. "It's not my home, and it never will be. I don't belong there."

"You belong with your family." He stepped forward into her space. "Ya think it's that easy to just leave 'em behind?"

"I'd rather leave them behind than watch another one of them die!"

Daryl stared back at her, the penny finally dropping. She was scared. For the first time he could see it in her eyes, and he wondered how the hell he could've missed it there before. She had been acting since they arrived in Alexandria, and only now did he realise just how good an actress she was. It wasn't just about the girls, although he knew that was a big part of it. She was scared of losing anyone else. They had lost so many recently, all those lights snuffing out like candles one after the other in quick succession. People she'd known, people she'd taken care of and came to call family.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to have everyone depend on you?" Carol shook her head at the burden of it all. "Having everyone come to you with their problems? Having to be strong for everyone else and play house, pretending everything's okay when it's not! And why? What's the point when every day I lose someone else and I'm left carrying something for someone who doesn't need it anymore?!"

He remembered Beth's knife, and the look on Carol's face as she'd given it to him. He'd been feeling sorry for himself that day, but she'd came to him and tried to comfort him. Carrying her own torment around on her back like a weighted pack, she'd still came to him, like she always did. Suddenly it hit home how much he hadn't been there for her. She'd said she didn't want to talk, but maybe he should have pushed her on it. She had needed him, even if she didn't want to admit it to herself. He'd been so deep in his own self pity he couldn't see past it to what was happening to her, and he should have.

"Whose clothes am I gonna be folding up for the last time this week? Glenn's? Carl's? Yours?"

"I ain't goin' nowhere."

"How can you say that? You don't know what's going to happen when you go out there!" She exclaimed. "Every time you walk out those gates I hold my breath because I don't know if you're coming back."

"So you think leavin's the answer?" Daryl retorted in frustration. "Look y'aint the only one that's afraid. 'Kay, maybe I don't know what's waitin' out there, but I know what's waitin' back here, an' that's always kept me safe."

"This place can't keep you safe forever."

"Ain't talkin' 'bout this place."

Tiny sparks of _something_ came to life in her eyes and for the first time he felt a brief glimmer of hope.

They'd never discussed what they were to each other; half the time he thought it was just his imagination giving life to the crazy notions in his head, that there was actually any chance of them ever being 'that way' together. There had been so many moments where he'd almost had the courage to take her casual banter one step further, but he'd always chickened out. It was never the right time, or it was all in his head. She was nothing more than a fantasy, something to get him through the nights of solitude on his perch, or in the watch tower. It was always something he'd try to figure out again tomorrow. But too many times now tomorrow had slipped through his fingers.

When he'd seen her stumbling towards them through the trees, exhausted and unsure, his heart had all but exploded in his chest, stealing the air from his lungs. Before he'd given it a second thought he was flying towards her at full pelt, almost barrelling her to the ground with the force of their contact. He'd known then exactly what they were, but with everything that followed, it had been swept up in a furious tornado with everything else he was feeling. Now that the dust was finally beginning to settle though, through the murk he had realised that she was slipping away, and he was running out of time to pull her back.

She pawed at the ground nervously with her foot, turning over the damp leaves. Daryl could feel the words hovering on her lips, the anticipation nearly unbearable.

"When Rick kicked me out I was scared. Not because I thought I couldn't survive. Because the thought of never seeing you again made me want to give up."

He would've been lying if he said the same thought hadn't crossed his mind. Daryl remembered that god awful feeling only too well. The moment Rick had come to him and painted a picture of a stranger, a woman he didn't know and tried to pass it off as Carol. The woman at the centre of their family, who everyone trusted and turned to. The woman who had become his best friend, the other half of him. The sinking feeling that had settled in when Rick's words curdled in his ears was one he would never forget. They had lost so many, but to lose her…

She lifted her head, fresh tears pooling in her eyes. "I don't want to leave you Daryl… but I just can't go on like this. I can't keep pretending."

His nerves were perilously close to shattering as he stood now only inches from her in the dark. He could feel her tense breaths on his skin, lengthening every silent second that passed. She stared at him, eyes burning through the darkness at him, waiting. He knew he should say something, but how could he convince her of anything different than what was already apparently concrete in her mind? Words meant little when they fell on deaf ears.

Without thinking, he reached out, gently sweeping a thumb across her cheek, breaking the salty trail running down her face.

"Ain't gotta pretend for me."

In a blink she somehow closed the space between them, her small hands settling on his chest, making him only too aware of the heavy percussion under his ribs. She leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on his mouth. The contact stunned him into a temporary paralysis. In the shock of that moment he was powerless to respond, like she had just short circuited his motor functions. When their lips parted she pulled back to look at him, uncertainty brimming behind the wet glint of her lashes.

Daryl could feel the panic radiating from her as she realised what she had just done. Carol was always sure, never doubting anything, least of all herself. Yet he could see how adrift from herself she was, lost somewhere in between who she was and who she had become. Before she had time to retreat he moved on the maddening urge he felt, and brought her lips to meet his again. She yelped softly in surprise, the little noise doing something to him inside, setting ablaze every thought he'd brushed off in the dark thinking of her. Her arms locked around his neck, pulling him in so close he didn't think he would ever be able to escape, and in that moment he realised he didn't want to. His fingers disappeared into the soft kinks of her hair as she deepened the kiss, her tongue dancing its way over his, opening the floodgates to a feeling he'd never let in before now.

Everything about her was soft; her hair, her skin, her lips, all betraying the harshness she claimed to exude now. For a moment he forgot they were in the woods, and how they had come to be there. Nothing else registered, and nothing else mattered. For now, he was aware only of her mouth gently yielding to his, and how right it felt to hold her this close. In that moment he couldn't imagine ever letting her go.

Carol broke away, her eyes sheltering themselves in his chest.

"Hey," he whispered, his hands lingering on her arms. "What's wrong?"

She paused hesitantly, her hands hovering over his heart. "I don't want to leave you."

Daryl brought a hand to her cheek, the action prompting her to lift her lashes and look at him.

"Then don't."

He caught a brief flicker in her eyes, one that gave him hope. Her expression softened, like the load on her back had suddenly eased. The air around them felt different, lighter. Daryl pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her and tucking her under his chin as he cradled her head in his hand. He felt a little relief wash over him when her hands slid around his back, fitting herself to his form snugly like she'd always belonged there. He took it as a silent acceptance, and breathed again.

As he let her pull away, he was so relieved to find a peace in her expression that hadn't been there of late. Just as the sun poked holes in the clouds after a storm, little rays of Carol, his Carol, were starting to break through again. It had been a while since he'd felt any kind of hope for anything, but now seemed as good a time as any to start again.

"Come on," she said, her eyes giving away the faintest hint of a smile. "Let's go home."


End file.
